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A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom." The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom."

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.” When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs. Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey. Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.” The psychologist explains: “We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.” “I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.” “Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug.”

- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. - The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. - If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. - It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor. - Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their behind. Nobody follows Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight. The knife lost. - Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he's afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. - Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse in the chin and thus created a giraffe

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles. Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

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