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I am on a bus. The driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars. Suddenly, a baby starts crying. "Come on kid, you're only 6-months-old, you can make it without a cigarette."

A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, "There's that woman that the guy next door is in love with!" His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded. "Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress." "You idiot! That's his wife!" "Yes, I know," the husband grinned.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt.

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland. On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me. The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs. He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"

A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions? LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think? LAWYER: I suppose...What's you third question?

What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. "I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. "By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!"

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks. "A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied. "Can you describe what they looked like?" "I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Amanpreet was henpecked. He was seeing a psychiatrist about the problem. The doctor told him, "You don't have to let your wife bully you! Go home and show her you're the boss!" Preet got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from ME! When I get home from now on, I want my supper ON the table. "I want you go right NOW and lay out my clothes. I'm going out with the boys. "And YOU'RE going to stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know who's going to tie my tie?" Preet's wife replied calmly, "The undertaker?"

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