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In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?" My reply is, "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

- Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. - I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. - Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. - I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. - I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. - Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. - I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! - Since we're all here, let's start the service early. - Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. - Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man. "Rustling."

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses. The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names; the South has double first names. The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits. The North has green salads, the South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish. The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest." The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?" To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say." After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then." The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

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