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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.

The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbor's house.

"Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"

"Sure Did!"

"Did they chop your firewood?!"

"Yep!"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"

- Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

- Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

- Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

- While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

- Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

- Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

- Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

- Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today!

"There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!

"And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out...

"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered.

The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.

“Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.”

“I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”

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