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If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Of course, some people never retire...

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!

Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail.
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter:

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)

_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

_____ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.

_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

_____ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team

into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

1- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

2- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

3- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

4- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television?

5- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

6- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

7- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

8- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

9- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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